Moving on.

Pulsing Beating rhythmic radar checking Moment. Check. Moment. Check. Moment. Check. Consciousness off. Consciousness on. Consciousness off. Time doesn't matter, what matters is Breathe Breathe Breathe

Alright, I'm not sure what happened. I guess I stopped being miserable for a while.  Anyway I'm back to it now and as gleeful as ever.

All I've ever wanted was the whole world and to eat it too.  Now I'm going to have to settle for good health and a better attitude. Where does turmoil end and adventure begin? Turmoil. That's funny.

I'm walking along a lightly trodden path when the thought strikes me: I'm creating a rut. Sure, now its only a trail of trampled weeds, but my trip along it enforces it's existence and my return will doubly so.  This path I might I justify because I deem it the best route to my desired destination, but shouldn't I at least be conscious of what I'm doing?  There are so many possible routes with so many possible destinations if I'm not careful I may get too comfortable with this one and miss out on something better or more appropriate.

 Just the possibility of becoming comfortable is a scary thought. What if I come upon some incredible opportunity but have grown so accustomed to my well-worn routine that I am unable to capitalize upon it?  Or I find it easier to convince myself of it's non-value than to dare and blaze an unfamiliar trail? I can't get comfortable here. Not yet.  I'm not ready to miss out on something else yet.

Hollow. Yea, hollow.

Air is supposedly one of the best insulators. Maybe that's why I can't feel anything. I know I'm not suppose to let me myself dwell here.  There are other places my focus might be more productively and healthily spent. I have so many things I want to do and see and accomplish, it is certainly a waste to make these feelings the locus of my attention.

But who knows, maybe suddenly everything will become wonderful. What if this is my last chance to embody my existential angst first hand? I better take it in before its gone forever..

Meh, I'll just go back to re-tooling my mind until the hollowness becomes a primer for my awesomeness.

I don't have anytime to write an actual post tonight because tomorrow I have a chemistry final that I am woefully unprepared for. But I wanted to check in and say hey and let you know that I miss you and I'm thinking about you and I'm still pretty broken and still not really sure what to do about it.

To better tomorrows.

Oh, also, a hot chick messaged me on OKCupid today.  I must have botched my reply because she read it and didn't respond, but still.
#Smallvictories.

Game on

I successfully bagged a girl's phone number today. Strangely, it wasn't an awkward experience.

I guess I should admit that it had little to do with my being smooth and almost everything to do with her being unusually interactive.  I mistook her for one of the baristas because she was the first to greet me upon my entering the coffee shop. She complimented my glasses and then proceeded to explain how she was working on a collage for a friend.  I hadn't even made eye contact.

I was there to work, so I didn't let the conversation linger, but after ordering the guilt-free-internet-access coffee that I couldn't finish, I was setting my stuff down at a perfectly suitable table when she asked me if I wouldn't much prefer the two-person love seat she was occupying?  I actually had a lot of work to get done and wasn't in a flirting mood, but I couldn't say no because, 'ballsy', right? But then she says she's not actually using the spot, but its her favorite and she wanted to me be able to enjoy it. She then proceeds to run around the shop like she works there (which she already assured me she didn't)

I'm working for about an hour and notice she's taken her stuff and is sitting off a ways working on her computer, which made me feel a bit awkward but I didn't have time to dwell on it because god-dammit my to-do list never ends.

 Finally the shop is closing and we both get up and I have a chance to make conversation, which she is adorably eager to have.  We swap background details. I comment on a scar given to her by a barbed wire fence.  I show her my 'crashed into a parked car' and 'ring stuck jumping over tennis court fence' scars.  She trumps me with a 'falling out of tree playing ballerina and catching tent-worms' scar. I don't think I've ever had small talk come so easily. I didn't even have to try to impress her.

Tedious story short, we exchanged numbers and I told her I'd invite her out to the lake tomorrow. To which she replied that tomorrow was one of the few days she didn't work 9-5 at Jiffy-Lube.

I'm not leaving myself enough time at night to put up a decent post.  I need to start doing these near the beginning of my day, while I'm still fresh.  The stuff I write at night isn't even coherent.

Blah blah blah. something vague and predictably self-important.

I really need to figure out what I'm doing with my life.  The options have been slowly dwindling.  Should I teach?  I'm not really much of a teacher.  I don't possess a lot of patience or empathy. But its something I feel I can do and not thoroughly hate. And there's job security, even if the pay is shit.  I'd have more free time. I'd get to work on my people skills.  If I teach English abroad I'd get to travel and learn new languages. Which would give me experience for getting a better paying teaching job in the States.

Should I just go for the money?  I could get my broker's licence.  I could start making a decent living and shoot for early retirement.  I'd get to enjoy a more luxurious existence.

I could go for higher education. I love being in school. I could even get something practical like an MBA and then not have to worry as much about paying for it.

I don't know. Anything would be fine. I just hate the idea of making the wrong choice.  What if I end up hating the career I decide to go into? What if I come to find that I can't stand teaching? or I start despising real estate? Or what if I grow to regret throwing away all that money for a useless degree I'll never use? I don't want to be responsible for those kinds of consequences.

I just want a clear path. Something I can enjoy rather than fret over.