transcribed emotional experience

Last Night I felt like I received a significant emotional release. I was going through the preparatory state phase of Paul Sheele's photo reading segment of his Genius code series, and I as I was trying to relax and feel good and breathe in the delightful scent of vanilla, my mind suddenly poised itself on the hill just above Page Hall at Westmont College, it was freshman year and I was overwhelmed by a strange sense of nostalgia. The scene felt rather random and abrupt to me and the emotion was poignant so I turned off Paul and began to explore this vision and see what it was trying to show me. I let the scene take its course and observed the various pictures and people and the impressions and emotions that accompanied them. Through-out the entire experience I was overwhelmed by what I identified as a verge of potential. It was like the air was charged with an infinite string of significant and wonderful possibilities. It was exciting and romantic and undefinable. All of a sudden my memories unleashed themselves upon me and it seemed as though my entire life were unfolding before me. I've never experienced a my memory so keenly, events and people and places as well as emotions and thoughts and actions, everything was available to me like never before, experiences that I hadn't thought about for years were playing themselves before me now as if I were looking through a time warp, and I watched it all, letting it piece together my entire life as I experienced it. There was my freshmen year roommate, and the first alcohol-stocked party I attended at Westmont at the coyote house where I followed my roommate around and didn't drink, and there was the semester in high school that moved to the Bay area with my grandfather, and I saw the whole campus and I went to all my classes and I followed myself to lunch where I ate alone everyday, and I saw all the people I had come to meet, and my track team and my teachers and I saw me at my desk sophomore year of Westmont recording my God encounters and making my resolutions and lectured the Dolci boys about life, then there was the cruise my family took with the bradfords and my parents let me bring brandon dorn because it was my birthday, and I was confused when tim bradford made fun of me for not drying my back after showering and we met those girls who haunted me for months afterwords because they were so beautiful but weren't Christian, for whose souls I had decided to move to the bay area, and I was jealous of josh and tim bradford because they could talk and play with the mythical faeries and I could only pray for them. And as I traveled through my life it struck me that the emotion I had first interpreted to be nostalgia was actually regret. It was a juxtaposition of the magical potential that hung thickly in the air my entire life and the painful cycle of isolation and fear that constricted my breath and kept me from tasting life. My perspective shifted several steps into the future while remaining focused upon the present moment, lying in bed in a guest house in South Africa, just having returned from 3 months and mozambique and about to embark on a 3 week trip to tanzania. The perspective shift brought an influx of painful truth and reality right into the whole experience and I kicked against its implications. At last I allowed myself to accept what I saw, though I could only face it indirectly lest the emotions make themselves felt audibly and disturb others, and let myself be moved and wept for a wasted life. The relief and peace I felt afterwords was beautiful, and I slept soundly without a dream.