Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Solipsism

I used to think I was pretty popular because I had so many profile views.

After a while I started wondering why none of my many readers ever commented on my blog. Upon posting a new blog I would check back several times a day, waiting for comments. Always there was at least one more visitor, but never any comments. Maybe I intimidate them I thought. I should allow more room for input and dialog.

I tried being more inviting, more controversial. I even included obvious spelling and grammar errors in hopes of baiting a grammar nazi.

Nothing.

I'd try various trolling strategies, manipulative bids for attention, shameless provocations; I pulled off such reaction-seeking stunts that even the local fox news would've blushed.

I knew I must be on to something because the more time i spent on my blog, editing my antics, reading and rereading and refreshing and checking, trolling and speeling; the more visitors I'd get viewing my blog.

Why won't anyone comment? I was disparaged by the most apathetic set of readers ever to browse a blog.

Eventually I realized that one's own traffic is counted amongst the 'visitor views' and that, in fact, I was my only reader.

I guess in a metaphysical sense, extraordinary self-obsession can be qualitatively construed as being 'super popular'.
Hey, Fuck you. I can see what you're thinking. More blubbering projections of judgement underscoring self-absorbed insecurities. Isn't that what it tastes like? Haven't we phased through these years already? I can do this all morning long apparently. It's like nasal congestion that was there all along but you never noticed because it only affected one nostril at a time. I'm not going to cry anymore you baby. I am not. am not. no, you are. I don't care. I don't care. Sticks and Stones.. I don't care. na na na na na.

Do you know me? Do you? does this help? does it? can I? can it? can? baking soda.

plastic dispensers of cotton candy and Alcatraz. I know what you're thinking. Don't put on me! yo just mad 'cause I'm stylin' on you. stylin on you stealin cookies and fuck mothering shit. pissing contest potty mouth portray parfait poop pleaxcuse me pixie pups. fiscal misanthropes pipsy pizza poop party parter pithy piscaline popsiclstandcourse lizday day to say say say something said something nothing silence says. silence says speak. speak speak speak silence says speak silence speak silence speak to me say something something something something something no no not anymore I've had but she said it why would why no I wont hard hard hat hippy hat hipster man song dilian john dorian john sponge sponge john sponge john spare pants spares ants pants pants plastic pants please

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I have to write some paragraphs for my BSSM creative writing class.

Assignment #1 - Why do you write?

(disclaimer: the term "man" is used through-out the essay in its figurative, non-gender-specific sense, and purely for its rhetorical aesthetic)

"But what is this urge not only to write, but to publish one's work? Besides the pleasure of being praised, there is the thought of communicating with other souls capable of understanding one's own, and thus of one's work becoming a meeting place for the souls of all men...Living in the minds of others is what is so intoxicating."
-Delacroix, in his Journals.
-Stolen from Kristen's blog, the 'About' section.


Connection is a fundamental facet of human existence. There are few forces stronger than man's urge to enter meaningfully relationship. To know and to be known. For myself, there is no better medium to both express and fulfill this intrinsic need than the written word. My thoughts become my identity, and their lyrical instantiations become expressions of myself, instances of who I am, of the most cherished gift I can offer to either God or man. My writing becomes my worship, a sacrifice of myself in deference to my creator, an open and vulnerable invitation to any who'd deign to know me. I write because I am; because I am with Him, and because I am with you.


Assignment #2 - Write two paragraphs respectively describing desirable and undesirable emotions

Paragraph 1: Exhilarating Anticipation

Red hot blood surges like a ruthless tide, scalding the cheeks and drying the tongue. Lungs shrivel into tightly wound receptacles of expectation. Ears overcome by deafening heartbeats. One throbbing cadence tells enough time to enact an entire lifetime of possibilities. Each rhythmic undulation echoes across vast arrays of unarticulated hopes and horrors. This is an important moment. This is the pulse of life. After this moment... Existence.

Paragraph 2: Melancholy

I feel like I've been here before. This must be where I live. I thought I had moved, but I'm here again. It's like a bad dream that waits for me every morning. Today I labor. Tonight I sleep. Tomorrow will turn out to be Today disguised as the future. But when do I get to cry? But why should I want to cry? But oh I want to cry! Because to cry is to die and death is this dream's only respite. But when do I get to cry? Today I labor and Tonight I sleep.

Being Awesome Instead



I have this condition where I feel sad all the time. I forget what it's called, but I've started taking drugs that are supposed make me feel otherwise. I've had this particular affliction for a while now. As long as I can remember in fact. And from what I've been able to surmise, it has something to do with thinking. Whether its the way that I think, or how often; my contemplation seems to culminate in dejection. Or vice versa.

To be honest I can't say that I mind it all that much. The perpetual gloom facilitates an anomalous sense of identity and self-value. I don't know that I'd even bother with corrective therapy but for some cosmic interdiction in which I became host to the siren notion of achievement. I've since garnered a collection of goals and agendas that somehow nestled themselves deep within the recesses of my egoic fancy.

Thus, upon suspicion that a perennially melancholy existence might not lend itself to the realization of my numerous ambitions, I began a journey to excise my angsty preoccupations and actuate my inner Übermensch. This blog is supposed to express tribute to that journey, as well as document its progress, but at the moment I seem to be struggling to connect this action with its purpose.

Tonight, inspired by the words and character of Barney Stinson and aided by a delightful concoction of psychotropics, I've taken another step on my journey to self actualization. Though since I started writing this post I seem to have forgotten many of the details and lost sight of the precise nature of this monumental step, I feel like posting these words somehow still instantiates its existence.

Here's to being awesome instead.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

ok, more super brief updates:

just recovered from 5 days of strep throat, yay!

still super duper broke, boo!

(theoretically)achieved employment as maintainence staff at bethel, yay!

position is currently on call only, with small chance of calls, boo!

job interview sunday (movie theater), yay!

parents returned from europe today (more people to mooch off of), yay!



There are two new avenues I want to take this blog down:

1. I want to start writing movie reviews. because I've been watching a lot of movies recently and (more) people need to know how I feel about them.

2. Sharing all the fascinating, if completely useless, shit I find on stumble upon. because I feel better about wasting my time on these things if I can tempt other people into joining me.


honestly there are like 18 unposted articles that I have half-written on this blog right now; whenever I manage to develop some self-discipline, both the readers of this blog (myself included) will experience literary rapture.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

gah, still running behind on these, a quick catch up:

Friday night I went to Weaverville with my sister for the 4th weekend. It was pretty weird seeing so many high school acquaintances. After hitting the helena swimming hole I got pretty drunk and apparently got kicked out of both bars (everyone says the bouncers were just being assholes). I remember having fun though. I connected with Anthony Forslen who is apparently some kind of Hollywood big shot now? I woke up in Joelle's car around 730am as she got in and raced over the hill in a desperate attempt to arrive at work on time. She made the normally hour-long drive in 34 minutes, but still ended up losing her shift.

Saturday I recovered. Sunday I also kinda recovered, but more of an emotional recovery. Monday I decided to try coming out of my funk. Today I'm back to whatever state I suppose could be closest to my normal.

Despite the dramatic diversion from my sleeping schedule this weekend, I still feel like its going well. Today I had no problem falling asleep during my naps. I spent the day job hunting, with a an excessive-heat mandated break for swimming. I also returned to my exercise routine, spent some time with the dorns, went grocery shopping, and wrote this blog. Basically I'm just trying to affirm to myself that I'm doing ok. I really need a job.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The regular posts begin (I hope)

I'm writing this more as an act of self discipline than a work of inspiration. I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing and become less dependent upon inspirational impulses and nostalgic whims.

Wednesday night I drove to Weaverville and visited a friend. I was partly conned into attending a pyramid scheme presentation. I say partly because despite directly inquiring as to whether the presentation was indeed a pyramid scheme and receiving a very clear response to the negative, I was completely unsurprised to find myself listening to a very intentionally worded marketing proposal.

Afterwards we went out on the town to two of the only three establishments open in Weaverville after 9pm (The third is oddly a 24 hour CVS drug store). It was my first time in a Weaverville bar. Having long anticipated this moment, I tried to appreciate the ironic novelty of it, but I don't think I did so well. We visited both the Diggins and the New Yorker, met a few friends (and teachers) from high school, and had very stereotypical discussions about girls and sex. Upon my departure we made plans for the 4th of July weekend, which begins this morning and I will try to remember/record.

also, a strange development with my increasingly decrepit mobile device: the particular alarm sound that I have of late been using to wake up from my naps has ceased to sound. That is, every ring/alarm/song/sound in my default repository of tones plays fine except for the one tone that I programmed into all my scheduled naps. I have no idea why one sound, having previously worked great, suddenly fails all together. The funny thing is that I have no idea when the alarm stopped working, every time I woke up before the alarm, I'd turn it off; and every time I woke up after the alarm date, I just assumed that I had slept through it.

oh, and I recently re-watched Boondock Saints and hated it. Well I guess I didn't hate it, but I found myself thinking, 'this really isn't that great of a movie' and I was utterly repulsed by the whole concept of the film. They go around killing people that they think are evil, but they never show one offence done by the supposedly evil men, they just take it all for granted on the word of another 'scumbag' who the audience is suppose to like because he's funny... It's absolutely horrifying. The major offenders referred to are drug dealers and pimps, two activities that I personally don't even think should be illegal (they should be regulated though, more opinion on this later) let alone carry a death penalty. I mean think about what's happening here:

Passionate religious extremists cite holy scripture and immoral behavior as evidence of God's will for them to embark upon a violent holy war against declaimed immoral infidels...

The only difference between the Boondock Saints and Islamic Terrorists is the fake Irish accent.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Some catch up

Ok, so its been 20 days. I hate trying to remember things so I'll just say my polyphasic sleep experiment has had a rocky start, but for the last 4-5 days or so I've been doing pretty well, except for a few slip ups, usually about 3 hours, but in general I've found that my body is much much more efficient at sleeping and I sleep far far less now than previously. Hopefully everything will be running smoothly by the end of the month.

In other news I'm still broke.

Recent habits that are concerning me: online dating. I'm not sure why, but I've been spending a disconcerting amount of time on online dating sites. Also not sure why I'm admitting this. Have also been unusually active on facebook. I think I might be coming down with a case of loneliness. I need to blog more.

Garrett Inouye and Aimee Wong came up last week for a Bethel conference and stayed with me. Good conversations were had. Wish I had been blogging them.

Watched Trainspotting last night. Great movie, the scene with the dead baby is still haunting me though.

Seriously need to start being more productive gah.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Polyphasic Sleep, Day 3

Morning nap: ultimately, unsuccessful. was a little refreshed and meditated, but no actual sleep like last night. but some insight on the sleeping process and requirements gained.

went to store, bought ingrediants and made breakfast for everybody. Tried to make omlet and bacon. learned that cooking requires skill and practice, and a little bit of knowing what the hell you're doing. omlet turned into scrambled eggs with bell peppers, bacon, and pico de gallo. It was ok. vegies a little raw? I don't know. Also, nobody has yet awaken to try my breakfast, I forget that normal kids don't get up before seven. except for working ones. Cheyanne is suppose to work this morning, but probly wont have time for breakfast.

very tired. will probly attemt psuedo nap very soon.

pseudo nap somewhat successful, slept some, still tired.


update:

sick. sick sick sick. goddammit. experiment is postponed

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Polyphasic Sleep: Day Two. updates

Morning update:

after reading more interesting blog material I had my 5:30 sleep session. So far all is well. I'm not sure I really slept in the strictest sense of the term, but I got out of bed feeling rested so I'm not complaining. Afterwards I ran a (fast) mile with Jake and got some asthma, which developed into a weird cough/itchy throat that has stayed with me all day. After the run I decided I felt like doing a workout so I drove down to the Y where I found my dad actually swimming laps. We were a little surprised to see each other, he because I was up early, me because he was at the gym. I did an easy workout, had good stamina considering I haven't worked out in months.

some notes: time goes by much slower. I'm more interested in staying busy than I've ever been. Surprisingly Not lethargic.

after work out I became more tired.
exercise = good
driving = not a good idea

some interesting psychological effects:
lowered inhibitions, strangely giddy, tiny flee-like creatures hovering in my periphreal vision.

random thoughts:
why don't I have a fucking lemur?

second nap of the day, (830) taken: success. woke up after exactly 23 minutes. Still not really going fully unconscious, but still felling refreshed, although right now, still tired.

Good sleep combo: prenap meditation, during nap listen to lyric-less music/white noise. I listened to some Tibetan meditation music shit I got off torrent and it was really nice, super conducive for sleep. Damn I'm tired. I hope I make it to the afternoon nap.

ate breakfast, delicious tuna melt, seem to prefer eating healthier all of a sudden. nice. also cleaned kitchen while making sandwitch, just flowed, impressive. Kinda losing control over thoughts a little bit, super tired, considering yet another morning nap.

Afternoon update:
damn, took another nap at 930, and then another one, and another, until like 2pm. I hope this doesn't mess me up too bad, I didn't really get that much sleep overall, and I still feel tired, but man, I was struggling before, anyway, we'll see how it goes. I'm suppose to be driving with my sister to sac in a couple hours. Probably she'll do the driving, lol.

End of Day Update:

Instead of ne driving to sacramento, I taught elise to drive my stick-shift, which was a pretty good way to stay awake. During the drive I took my 17:30 nap and maybe got 3 or 4 minutes of good sleep, maybe, though still I don't think I ever really lost consciousness. After we got to Elise's place I took another pseudo nap around 20:30, again not losing consciousness, but feeling somewhat refreshed afterwards. Elise and I proceeded to pick up her friend, Cheyanne, (sp?) who is both a hottie and a super-fun sweetheart type who consistently volunteered to ride stick, wedged between me and Elise in my 84 Nissan two seater (I love having little sisters). We met up with some of their friends, attempted to go longboarding in a parking garage, got caught by police, sat around, watched a video previously captured video of Cheyanne falling on her face while longboarding in parking garage and then the group dropped me off at Elise's for my 23:30 nap and went to Denny's.

The good part: I finally completely achieved legitimate REM sleep during a nap! At least I'm pretty sure, I mean totally passed out, like hardcore, although I can't remember my dream, which is really a bummer since part of the allure of this whole experiment was having lucid dreams, but when I woke up I was completely out of it. I never consciously heard my alarm, I think I unconsciously turned it off, but I kind of vaguely remember it going off, like a dream. All I really remember is staring at my phone and having absolutely no idea where I was or what was happening. As I began to recall my situation I started to freak out a little because it felt like I had been sleeping for so long that I was sure I must have drastically overslept. I was totally dumbfounded when after triple checking the time on my phone it said it was exactly 12am, Wednesday morning, but I couldn't for the life of me remember hearing my alarm go off. I was also tripping out because it really felt like I had been asleep for hours. i felt almost completely refreshed, maybe a little hazy, but seriously it was as if I had a full night's sleep.

Anyway, so I met back up with Elise and her friends, we played some no-stakes poker and then retired to Cheyanne's place since Elise cancelled the internet at her apartment and the notion of trying to stay awake for six hours with no internet really scared me. And this is where I'm officially ending my Second Day blog.

Polyphasic Sleep: Day 1

I am three hours from the end of my first 24 hour day of the Dymaxion experiment. Although technically it's been about 38 hours since my last monophasic sleep session, I count the beginning of my day at 7:30am Monday morning because that's when I took my first nap.

So far the experience has been pretty positive. I started out planning my day around what is known as the Uberman schedule which is 6 naps a day instead of four, but a couple hours ago I decided that I would aim for the more efficient 4 nap routine supplemented as needed until I get the hang of speed sleeping (I still have to reset my alarm calendar).

This whole thing is definitely a trip to get used to. I've already had two minor slip ups so far. During my noon nap I couldn't fall asleep, so after filling my belly with soup I decided to give it another try an hour later. I ended up falling into some sort of repose about 10 minutes before my alarm when off but then foolishly reasoned that I should go for a full half-hour, stifled my alarm without adding a backup and ended up being out for almost an hour and a half. It didn't feel like REM sleep, so I'm hoping it didn't set me back too far, but its still a bad precedent to be setting this early on. On a positive note, I felt great after the nap. I ended up going on a nice long jog over to Jake's where I communed and took a very successful nap in his basement-of-a-room, and then jogged over to my parents house where my mom is looking after the Valenzuela children while Leah has her 4th kid. The exercise was fantastic and I ran better than I've ran all year (which isn't much, I've ran maybe a total of three times since I've been home).

After some visiting at my parents I came home, took a shower, and prepared for my midnight nap. I was feeling pretty tired and was a little worried about my ability to retain consciousness within 30 minutes of losing it. I decided to precede the nap with a meditation session, which seemed to work fairly well, although I stopped and began my nap a little early. I'm not sure if I ever actually slept, I didn't have any dreams that I can remember, I all seem to remember was this weird surreal struggle with myself after my alarm went off. I officially came to two hours later, once again bummed that I broke my rules. Again though, I'm not sure I achieved REM sleep, although I felt really good upon getting up. I decided to skip my tentative 330am nap and go straight through to 5:30, witch I think I'm going to make my official morning nap time for now on.


A side note on how I got into this whole experiment, I stumbled upon this article http://www.highexistence.com/alternate-sleep-cycles/ by Jordan Lejuwaan, which led me to this blog http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/polyphasic-sleep-log-day-1/ where Steve Pavlina apparently successfully incorporates the Uberman routine (I haven't finished reading it yet). I also followed Lejuwaan's recent attempt at the Dymaxion schedule here http://www.highexistence.com/polyphasic-sleep-cycle-day-1/ Lejuwaan started 2 weeks ago and reported good results the first week, but was since been MIA :S. There are also a number of forums and sites dedicated to those attempting more efficient polyphasic sleeping patterns. I highly recommend anyone who's interested to google this shit.

I'll keep updating

Polyphasic Sleep: The experiment

Hello again blogosphere, it seems I'm back after some time of absence. Of course I've been meaning to get back into these things all the while and have a great many topics and issues to address, but I'm going to skip all that and jump straight to the event that has driven me here today.

I am presently nearing the end of the first day of an exciting life experiment. I have decided to replace my boring, inefficient monohasic sleep routine with a brand new, state-of-the-something polyphasic sleep schedule. For those of you who don't know, a polyphasic sleep pattern is one in which the normal 8 hour block of sleep is split into 2 or more shorter sleeping sessions spread through-out the day, usually with the aim of achieving a more efficient/convenient sleeping schedule. The big idea behind the whole scheme is that in a normal monophasic sleeping session, only about 2 hours are spent in the crucial life-giving REM cycle. The other 6 hours are practically wasted on superfluous resting cycles. The ambitious polyphasic sleeper usually aims to avoid this waste using strategically timed naps through-out the day.

More information can be found here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyphasic_sleep
http://www.highexistence.com/alternate-sleep-cycles/

After all is well and done, I should be thriving on a mere two hours of sleep, daily.
Of course there's something of a catch: the adaptation process, which is said to take anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks, has been described as both grueling and agonizing; it also has, depending on the precise schedule pursued, a relatively low rate of success. This is probably because, to date, the only known method of conditioning the brain to switch immediately from awake to REM involves some pretty intense sleep deprivation.

Like so many of my fellow internet addicts, I have decided to record my transition experience in blog form, with possibly a video entry or two depending on my (sure to be eccentric) mood.

My goal: incorporate what is known as the 'Dymaxion' sleep pattern into my daily routine.

My plan: Limit all my sleep to timed, half-hour intervals, until my brain gets the hint and then gradually reduce the number of naps until a homeostasis of 4 half-hour naps/day is achieved.

My reasons: (Shamelessly stolen from Jordan Lejuwaan at www.highexistence.com)

- Polyphasic sleepers report feeling more mentally alert than ever before. In fact the sensation is reported to be so rewarding that the ONLY reason they switch back to monophasic sleep is to accomodate the normal sleep cycles of their friends, family and co-workers.

- Time! Duh.

- Lucid Dreaming. Polyphasic sleepers report having the very frequent and vivid lucid dreams. Because polyphasic sleep allows your body to go right into REM sleep, the cycle where you dream, it’s a lot easier to bring some consciousness into the dream. Oh and lucid dreams are AWESOME.

- The mind-fuck aspect. Everyone that succeeds in becoming polyphasic writes about how psychologically strange it is to get used to. Every day tends to blend with the next since there is never really a solid break in consciousness. I love messing with my own head whether it be psychedelic drugs or meditation. A new mental challenge?? I’m game.

- It’s ridiculously cool. Only sleeping 2 hours a day and doing something that 99.9% of the world never does? That’s awesome.